


Nostalgia

by montandom



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Childhood Friends, Eventual Smut, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-03-08
Packaged: 2018-05-20 05:31:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5993308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/montandom/pseuds/montandom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla Karnstein is a best-selling author with a reputation of making her editors cry. Laura Hollis is her brand new editor, hired specifically to baby sit Carmilla into writing a new book.<br/>More than ever, Carmilla is decided to make her editor's life a living hell, while Laura is just looking for a chance to redeem herself from the past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Take a step inside of a memory

**Nostalgia**

_noun_

  1. _A sentimental longing or wistful affection for a period in the past_



* * *

The dream was pleasant, at some extent.

It was more like a sensory dream. No images or actual things happening, just a colorful clutter of shapes dancing and disappearing behind her eyelids. No memories, responsibilities or expectations. Her only job was to watch the shapes take form and then go away. Nothing to feel conflicted about it.

It was peaceful.

And of course it couldn’t last forever.

The disruptive sound started as buzz in the background until it grew to a full annoying beep, leaving her with no other choice but to snap out of her placid land.

Carmilla Karnstein woke up with a displeased groan, reaching blindly for the source of the noise that brought her back to reality and resisting the instant urge of tossing her phone – and in that very moment, morning tormentor - across the room. 

The logical opposite of breaking the phone was, of course, answering it.

"Yes?" She greeted, raspy voice and equally raspy tone.

"Carmilla, where in heaven are you? Do you have any idea what time is it?" Lola Perry’s high pitched voice immediately caused a twinge of annoyance in an already grumpy Carmilla.

"Too early for you to be calling me, ginger spaz." Carmilla shot back, stubbornly keeping her eyes closed as if that was going to change the fact that she was fully awake.

For a moment, the only sound on the line was Perry’s heavy and certainly pissed breathing, but it was a very short moment.

"We have a meeting with your new editor in 30 minutes!" Perry said finally, completely exasperated. "You have a contract to fulfill with your publishing company, remember? The publishing company that pays you so you can enjoy the expansive king size bed you’re currently lying on!"

Carmilla sighed dramatically. It was a really nice bed indeed.

"Okay, okay, Betty Crocker. Text me the address again, I promise I’ll be there in 20… Just try not to burst any veins while you wait for me."

"Carmilla Karnstein, I swear to god-…"

"And don’t forget my coffee." Carmilla smirked, hanging up.

Perry, the obsessively nervous agent. Carmilla was sure she would give the ginger an aneurysm someday, but she just couldn’t stop. Stuttering and red as a tomato Perry was just too fun to watch.

She didn’t actually mean any harm to her agent – and friend, Carmilla would unwillingly admit in some days. Perry had been with her since her first book of short horror stories, that sold less than 100 copies – 50 being bought probably by Perry herself – and now that Carmilla managed to write a big success, Perry was still by her side. They were a good team, even though Carmilla would never say that out loud.

She took deep breaths while she lazily stretched herself in the bed and finally opened her eyes. There was a dim light of sunshine glowing in the room, slipping through a tiny crack in the blackout curtains. Carmilla was in the middle of big yawn when she felt an arm sneaking across her stomach.

"Good morning, sexy…" Ell said with a sleepy voice, her warm breath tickling the sensitive skin of Carmilla’s neck where she was nuzzling her head.

"Morning, beautiful." Carmilla smiled, turning to the side so she could embrace her girlfriend. She snuggled Ell’s long blonde hair and breathed in the familiar scent of shampoo. "Sorry for waking you."

"Mmmn… What was that about?" Ell asked, her voice giving every indication she wasn’t planning on staying awake for much longer.

"I have a meeting with my new editor." Carmilla answered, nonchalant, trying to hide her general displeasure with the idea.

Ell let out a chuckle.

"I can feel your disgust from miles away, Karnstein."

Carmilla sighed for the second time that morning.

"Well, one must attend its obligations." She said, landing a small peck on Ell’s forehead, gently pushing away from the girl’s embrace and getting up.

"Yes, go… Thou, the big best seller author." Ell smiled, eyes still closed, while she hugged the pillow Carmilla had just raised from.

Carmilla rolled her eyes, stopping at the door frame of their bedroom to look at Ell over her shoulder.

As if she knew she was being watched, Ell’s smile grew wider.

"Love you, kitten…" She said, clearly ready to go back to sleep.

"Love you too, princess." Carmilla smiled.

* * *

Laura Hollis had her coffee in one hand and the utter realization she was screwed in the other.

Being late to the first meeting as a new editor in the publishing company that just recently hired you is not exactly what you can call a good start, but she just couldn’t find her damn keys that morning.

"Why does this have to happen today?" She mumbled, just a pinch of resentment with the universe in her voice, while she scanned every surface of the apartment for the fifth time.

To complete her total justifiable nervousness of first day in a new job, Laura knew exactly zero things about the author she was supposed to work with, because Ms Belmonde, her boss – insisting said author was “oh Lord in heaven, such a big deal” – decided that the first encounter should be a fun surprise for Laura.

She wasn’t having the slightest bit of fun so far.

"Keys, keys, keys, keys…" Laura called in a low, weirdly sweet voice, that would make any uninformed observer think she had cat named Keys.

Just then, her phone started vibrating in her pocket, while blasting the first notes of Boss by Fifth Harmony.

"Oh crap!" She cursed, looking at the name on the caller ID. "Good morning, Ms Belmonde!"

"Oh please, Laura, enough with the 'Ms Belmonde', just call me Mattie..." Her boss greeted, surprisingly cheerful and blissfully unaware her new employee was running late. "I’m just calling to make sure you know we are hosting today’s meeting in the top floor, not in the usual conference room."

Laura knew that very well, since Mattie made a habit out of repeating that to her at least thirty times in their last meeting while emphatically reminding her of the importance of the mysterious author.

"Absolutely, Ms… I mean, Mattie!" Laura assured her, with the greatest excitement she could gather despite being so profoundly nervous. "I’m on my way right now!"

 _I might be a little totally late thought_ , she thought to herself as she searched around her loft once more, _because I had a little inconvenience with my keys. My keys…_ She looked next to her coffee brewer to a shiny object that was remarkably similar to her missing keys. _My keys that I just found…_

"Splendid!" Mattie continued in her sheer state of morning energy. "Your new author should be here soon too. I can’t wait to see this cute little face of yours when you realize who it is…"

Laura smiled, grabbing her keys from the counter and heading out. Mattie was sure acting like an excited child on Christmas about this meeting, almost like the secret author was Mattie’s younger and dearest sister.

Laura couldn’t quite figure it out why Mattie’s excitement made her exponentially more nervous, but she wasn’t about to kill the buzz of her new boss.

"I can’t wait to meet them!" She said before hanging up. 

Who knows? Maybe she was on the verge of working with an author she actually admired. Maybe she would have the time of her life at her new job.

She swallowed her tense smile and hoped for the best.

* * *

 

"Do you really need to keep this on?" Perry asked, making a vague and yet clearly hassled gesture towards Carmilla’s worn down sunglasses. "We are indoors."

"Aren’t you a genius of spatial notion?" Carmilla bit back, sweet and sarcastic, spinning around the chair she has been slouched on since they arrived.

"It’s incredibly impolite." Perry warned, her lips closing into a thin tense line as soon as she finished speaking.

"You clearly know etiquette too..." Carmilla sighed dramatically (she was very good at sighing dramatically). "God, is like you know everything!"

Perry’s jaw clenched, swallowing her next reply, and she moved to sit even more uptight that she already was.

They were in the top floors of a huge business skyscraper downtown, more precisely in the fanciest conference room of _Belmonde’s Publishing Co_. Everything was made either of glass or cold silver metal and the excessive amount of light coming from the excessively big windows was giving Carmilla an early headache. She and Perry were sitting in the end of a rectangular table that – surprisingly enough – consisted in glass and metal. Across the room - where there were no windows, of course – there was framed best-selling book covers. Carmilla’s first novel – Poisoned Butterflies - among them.

An attentive observer would notice that Carmilla would stare at pretty much anything in the room, except for the framed reminder of her own book. Perry was an attentive enough to know this, but smarter than to comment on it. Carmilla’s relation with her hit success was always troubled. She pretty much just wrote the words and never looked back. Which, Perry guessed, had a lot to do with the fact that the words written were very, very personal.

Not that Carmilla would ever admit that.

Completely unaware of Perry’s internal speculation about her feelings about her own book, Carmilla sipped her black bitter coffee and let out the thirtieth annoyed sound of the morning. Just when she was about to suggest her own departure, the massive metal doors swung open and Matska Belmonde – in all of her imperial glory – entered the room.

Ms Belmonde wasn’t someone you could easily ignore while sharing a space with her, and even Carmilla – the apathetic grumpy cat –  couldn’t resist the urge to lower her glasses and take a better look at the beautiful slim woman.

She was only wearing a black leather dress, with her usual large pendant resting between her exposed collarbones, but her confidence dominated the whole room effortlessly.

"Well, well… Look what the cat just dragged in." Mattie said, standing by the doors, her smile partly amused partly predatory.

 "We have a meeting scheduled." Perry spitted out, her face turning completely red, as it always did when Mattie was around.

"Of course we do, Lola…" Mattie basically purred, flirtatious. "I would never forget."

"Of course." Perry mumbled, completely mortified, while Carmilla only smirked at the interaction.

"Maybe I should just leave you two to your… Business." Carmilla offered, putting her sunglasses down on the table and raising a very suggestive eyebrow to her agent.

Mattie’s smile widens and she turns her gaze to Carmilla.

"No need, Ms Karnstein." She replied, gracefully taking a chair on the opposite end of the table. "I’ll just join you while we wait for your new editor. Let’s not overlook the fact that you’re the star here…"

"Let’s not." Carmilla nodded, her smirk turning a little bitter at Mattie’s sickeningly sweet tone.

"A star that made her last editor cry into voluntary dismissal…"

Perry cleared her throat.

"And where would it be this new editor of yours, Ms Belmonde?" She asked, straightening her back and enlacing her hands together over the table, in a clear attempt to pull herself together and avoid the subject of the crying previous editor.

Mattie seemed to ponder over the question with her index finger tapping her mouth lightly and glistening eyes staring directly at Perry.

"She should be here at any minute now." She conceded, smiling again.

As if those words were a cue, the doors opened again and a flash of honey brow hair surged through it.

"I’m so sorry!" A short girl, professionally dressed in a blue blazer and a black skirt, started to ramble to Mattie. "I’m so sorry, Ms. Belmo-… I mean, Mattie. I swear this will never ever happen again! I just couldn’t find my keys this morning which is why I am late, but I promise this is not a usual thing… I’m almost never late, and I take my job very seriously, specially a big job like this one and-…"

"Sweetheart…" Mattie raised a finger at the girl, her amused smile back into place. "Breathe."

The girl stopped at her tracks, finally remembering oxygen was a much needed thing. She inhaled and exhaled deeply and then smiled.  

Mattie nodded approvingly at her and gestured towards the other side of the room. The girl’s eyes followed the direction her hands were pointing, her gaze falling first in a smiling Perry and then in a very shocked and very pale Carmilla Karnstein.

"Laura?" Carmilla breathed out, the volume of her voice barely above a whisper.

The girl’s smile – Laura’s smile – died immediately.

It could not be.

"Laura?" Carmilla repeated, same tone as before, breathed and low.

Laura stared at her, recognition all over her wide brown eyes.

_It couldn’t be, but it was.  
_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, yes... A little cliffhanger!  
> Any thoughts on what happens next?  
> I dare you to find me: l-elephant-blanc.tumblr.com


	2. Sorrow found me when I was young

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, fellow readers!  
> Just a heads up: this fic is unbeta'd, so typos and weird words might occur - since English is not my first language - and I apologize in advance for that.  
> If you find anything too absurd, please DO tell me! I'm trying my best, but I am only a silly little human after all. 
> 
> That being said, Happy Valentine's day and enjoy the second chapter! :3

**_October 31st, 8 years ago_ **

Even though Halloween was the only holiday Carmilla actually liked – she joked to herself that it was the only one that fitted her personality –  she sure as hell wasn’t enjoying _this_.

Crowded costume party in some kid’s lake house stocked with cheap, and obviously illegally obtained, beer? No, thanks.

Parties should be a shimmering moment of possibility, not a collection of brutes around a piece of flaming driftwood.

Or at least was what Carmilla thought.

Of course Laura could convince her to do anything, the little cupcake schemer.

She convinced Carmilla the party wouldn’t be so lame. She convinced her that actually wearing a costume would it make the party even less lame. And finally, she convinced her that an Elvira costume was the best option for Carmilla and as far from lame as possible – while she (very appropriately, Carmilla thought) dressed herself as Lois Lane.

So Carmilla came. Came to the Halloween stupid high school cliché costume party and truth be told, the more Carmilla dwelled in all these facts – despite knowing she looked very hot in that tight and long black dress – the more she felt pretty lame.

A feeling Laura wasn’t helping make it vanish because Laura – the same Laura who dragged a squeamish Carmilla to that very same party – had simply vanished herself with some obnoxious jock from school, in a haze of giggles and minor intoxication.

Which, naturally, made Carmilla even more angry about the whole night itself.

Not that Carmilla was jealous or anything. Not at all.

Just because Laura could convince Carmilla – ranked as the most adamant and difficult person in the world by anyone who ever met her – to do anything she wanted at any given time – such as coming to a party she didn’t want to come and grumpily still stand there even after being abandoned by Laura herself – it doesn’t mean that Carmilla had any sort of romantic feelings towards her best friend.

Right?

 _I’m not in love with my best friend_ , Carmilla told herself firmly.

(Lie number one).

 _I’m just mad because she left me here and she knows I’m not about to mingle with these idiots from school,_ she continued with her inner monologue.

(Lie number two).

_I’m sure everyone feels this way about their best friend._

(Lie number three).

She sighed deeply, leaning in the corner of the cramped living room, trying to abstract herself from all the cacophony of overlapped conversations and electronic music.

She hated this. She hated all this. She hated the party and the people. She hated the smell of alcohol, the music and the heat caused by so many bodies packed together.

She hated Laura.

(Lie number four).

She hated that boy she disappeared with.

She hated her feelings and she hated herself for having them.

And… She hated that she really needed to pee.

With another sigh, Carmilla started to use all that burning hatred as strength to push the dimwits standing in the way of her and the bathroom she hoped to find upstairs. It was not an easy task, but she was rewarded with a slightly smaller amount of noise when she got to the second floor.

The key expression being “smaller amount”.

She could still hear the music – god, all the electronic songs sounded the same to her – and some voices here and there. Possibly people arguing. Yeah, lots of arguing. Wait, was that… Laura?

Without a second thought, Carmilla followed the direction Laura’s – angry and perhaps a little bit panicked? – voice. She walked quickly and then turned left in the end of the hallway where she was greeted with the possibly most enraging scene of all her life.

In the end of the corridor, the tall, dark haired and muscular boy Laura had left with, had – guess what? – Laura cornered against the wall with both arms in the sides of her head.

Despite not being able to actually hear what she thought it was Laura’s protests, the look of discomfort on her best friend’s face told Carmilla all she needed to know to step in.

"Hey!" She said, her voice a little lower than a shout, as she overcame the distance between herself and the pair with large steps. "What the frilly hell is this?"

There was a millisecond where Laura’s face was washed with relief at the sound of Carmilla’s voice and then the boy looked back sheepishly just in time to receive a left handed punch square in the face from a very angry 5’3 tall girl.

Carmilla recognized him from school – William, she believed – as she watched him fell flat in his butt with his hands shielding his bleeding nose.

"Oh my god." Laura breathed out, her brown eyes wide in shock.

"Are you okay?" Carmilla asked, reminding herself to get air into her lungs again and involuntarily flexing the fingers in her left hand.

"Yes!" Laura spat, turning her stare to Carmilla, her expression changing from bewilderment to some kind of admiration. "Are you?"

Carmilla blinked.

"Yes." She answered nonchalant.

Both girls breathed in and out, taking in what just happened and trying to slow their accelerated heartbeats. They stared at each other for a few minutes, no words and no movements, just waiting for time to get back to normal speed after the rush of adrenaline.

Finally, Laura moved away from the wall and delicately took Carmilla’s hand between hers, the groaning boy sitting on the ground long forgotten for both of them.

"Does it hurt?" Laura asked, voice reverential, barely above a whisper, as she stroked the hurt knuckles lightly.

"A little." Carmilla admitted, savoring the feeling of Laura’s warm and caring hands on her.

Laura met Carmilla’s eyes and smiled.

"That was pretty badass…" She said, her happy mischievous smile turning into a grin.

Carmilla let out a huffed laugh.

"Yeah…" She agreed. "Are you sure you are okay?"

"Yeah…" Laura nodded, looking hesitant for a second before she quickly landed a light kiss on Carmilla’s hurt hand. "Thanks to you…"

Laura’s gentle and wet lips on her sore hand caused a flutter on Carmilla’s stomach, as she swallowed hard, fully aware she was going to look back at this moment knowing it was when she finally lost the battle against her feelings for Laura.

"Let’s get out of here…" Laura said, resolved, taking the hand that wasn’t hurt and enlacing their fingers together.

Carmilla just nodded, allowing a tiny foolish smile to curl her red lips.

 _October 31 st, Halloween of Junior Year_, she thought to herself as she left the party holding hands with her best friend.

_I am genuinely, severely and intensely in love with Laura Hollis._

(Truth number one).

* * *

  ** _Present day_**

It was a good thing the top floor’s conference room was so spacious, otherwise all the awkward exchange of looks happening there that morning wouldn’t quite fit.

For Mattie, it was the not knowing. Not knowing was a foreign feeling for her and she definitely didn’t know what happened and was still happening in that room. Not that she didn’t enjoy some tension and strife going around, but she usually liked knowing (or being) the reason of it.

For Perry, it was sheer and utter confusion. Why was everyone so quiet? Why was the new editor pale as chalk? Why was nobody commenting on the fact that Carmilla knew her name and it was whispering like a prayer in the very moment their eyes met? Why was nobody asking the whys?!

For Laura, it was all the energy put into not thinking. Not processing, not remembering, not freaking the hell out. Her mind was a complete blank wall and a pandemonium of racing thoughts at the same time, which ultimately resulted in some kind of constipated expression.

And finally, for Carmilla, it was anger. Outright and pure anger. Clenching her jaw and making her dark eyes glisten. She was feeling like feeding someone their own spleen.

After repeating Laura’s name twice – like the weak sentimental fool she really was – she actually had to endure Laura’s recognition turning into a blank stare as she held out her hand to greet Carmilla.

"Hello. My name is Laura Hollis, it’s so nice to finally meet you." Laura had said in a quick stream of words, forcing herself into a stiff smile.

"What?" Carmilla had hissed, her eyes narrowing in confusion.

Of course she knew who Laura was. What the fuck was this girl doing?

Laura stared at her, her hand just hanging outstretched between herself and Carmilla.

"Oh, hello, Laura." Perry had stepped in, just then, taking Laura’s hand and shaking it nervously. "I’m Perry, the agent. This is Carmilla Karnstein, the author. We are very pleased to meet you!"

"Likewise!" Laura had answered, her eyes meeting Perry’s and then skipping Carmilla’s from that point forward.

And that was it. That was the moment the realization of what Laura was doing finally sank in for Carmilla and that was the moment all the confusion and vulnerability was replaced with a burning rage.

Laura was pretending not to know her.

It was unbelievably absurd, not to mention unreasonable and childish, and Carmilla had sworn to herself she would drag Laura for it as soon as she had an opportunity.

But it turns out it was a vain promise – she was so enraged she couldn’t even formulate a proper sentence for a while – and there they were, sitting in opposite sides of the table – Laura by Mattie’s side, Carmilla with Perry – as the room stood silent and two of its occupants had no idea why the atmosphere was so tense.

Tired of not being in control of all of the unexplained stress filling the air, Mattie broke the silence by clearing her throat.

"Well…" She started, plastering her signature predatory smile on her face and looking at Laura. "I believe Ms. Hollis here has some issues she would like to discuss as the new in charge editor, wouldn’t that be correct, Laura?"

All eyes were then on Laura as she shifted uncomfortably in her chair and swallowed hard.

"Right!" Laura answered, voice a little too high pitched to be considered firm, shuffling through some papers in the black folder she had walked in with. "I uh… There are some topics that need to be addressed."

"Go ahead, darling." Mattie said, nodding to the other side of the table.

Purposely avoiding Carmilla’s disgusted face, Laura took a deep breath and focused exclusively on Perry’s expectant expression.

"Yes… Well." She began, using the paper sheets in her hand as some kind of anxiety reducing anchor. "The deadline for the next book is set six months from now."

Perry opened her mouth to answer, but it was swiftly cut by Carmilla.

"You clearly know your numbers… Impressive." Carmilla smirked ironically, her tone aggressive.

Mattie frowned and Perry looked at her client in shock. Of course Carmilla was known by her rudeness, but she usually used a playful voice, not a so blatantly abrasive one.

Laura gulped, still avoiding eye contact with the furious force of nature sitting across from her.

"Yes." She nodded, mentally congratulating herself for keeping her voice cool. "And Ms. Karnstein has not yet delivered any kind of draft of said book or any information regarding the plot."

"Well, don't you catch on fast?" Was Carmilla’s immediate response, smirking growing as she watched Laura fight with a rising sense of panic.

Mattie laughed.

"Aren’t you a little monster?" She said, raising a perfect designed eyebrow at Carmilla.

"Carmilla, what the hell are you doing?" Perry whispered through the corner of her mouth.

Carmilla shrugged.

"Just getting acquainted." She replied, narrowing her eyes at Laura in some kind of challenge.

Laura finally met her eyes, but didn’t talk.

Everyone in the room stayed perfectly still, another awkward silence settling in. A big, imaginary sign of “this is not going well” written in neon letters could be floating around the room by that point.

"Ms. Karnstein’s process is a very particular one." Perry broke the silence, her professional side telling her to ignore all the weirdness of the morning and protect her author. "She usually doesn’t deliver any rough drafts until she deems them ready."

"We understand that." Mattie assured, smile untouched. "And we deeply respect it, even. But at least some information about the next book should be at table by now…" She smoothed an inexistent wrinkle on her black dress. "As states the contract Ms. Karnstein so kindly signed… Over a year ago."

"Like I said…" Perry smiled forcefully, under the stare of both Mattie and Laura. "Ms. Karnstein needs to deem any information ready before disclosing it."

"And we need to enforce the deadline, unfortunately." Mattie said, in a firm tone.

"Enforcing anything could be disruptive for the writing process." Perry bit back, lifting her chin in defiance.

Mattie eyes went a little darker at that and she was about to answer when Laura suddenly stepped in, apparently only then remembering it was a business meeting and that she had a job to do: make that hypothetical best seller book become an actual palpable best seller book.

She was an editor long enough – first for newspapers and now for publishing companies – to know when a writer – or in this case, the writer’s agent – was making excuses for not producing anything.

Of course she understood writing wasn’t always easy – maybe never – but if Carmilla decided to do it professionally she should be able to uphold her acquired responsibilities.

And yes, she was just hit in the face with the fact that _freaking Carmilla Karnstein_ was the famous author she was supposed to work with – she must have been using a pseudonym for her books, because Laura wasn’t aware she had become an author, let alone a famous one – but despite all that Laura still needed to remain professional somehow.

 _Job now, collateral mess later_ , she thought to herself.

"We can understand that." Laura intervened, a pacifier tone, shutting down her inner monologue. "The writing process is an individual and sensitive matter."

"Exactly." Perry nodded, seeming content with the new turn the conversation took and even opening a smile.

"And like any artistic activity, sometimes this process can hit a dead end." Laura continued.

"Are you kidding me?" Carmilla muttered, offended, while Laura refused, once again, to look at her.

Perry’s smile vanished.

"I don’t follow." She stated, coldly.

Laura took yet another deep breath in order to conclude her thoughts.

"If Ms. Karnstein is facing a writer’s block, there are some methods that-…"

"You’re a child!" Carmilla interrupted, her voice loud enough to startle Mattie and Perry, whom both jumped a little in their sits. "And you understand nothing!" She raised from her chair, eyes burning directly at Laura, knocking off her half empty cup of coffee in the process. "Not about life, not about art! And certainly not about what it takes to be a writer!"

The three women stared at her. Perry and Mattie in shock, Laura utterly petrified.

"Maybe we should leave this meeting for a less emotional day…" Mattie suggested, not even trying to hide her amusement at Carmilla’s explosion.

"I absolutely agree." Perry nodded frantically, getting up from her own chair and putting a hand over Carmilla’s shoulder. "Carmilla, let’s go."

Carmilla picked up her sunglasses from the table, without looking at anyone, and followed her agent in silence.

"I’m only trying to help." Laura whispered, some kind of pleading tone when Carmilla passed her on the way to the door.

Carmilla stopped in her tracks and turned to Laura with a look that could only be described as vicious, ready for another round.

"Oh, are you trying your very best? Because I’m sure that if you stay pure of heart and really believe it, that will make a difference!" She spat out, irony all over her voice, before Perry pulled her by the hand and out of the room.

Laura sighed and sunk in her chair, defeated.

"Well, that escalated quickly." Mattie said, “matter-of-factly”, eyeing the spilled coffee on the grey carpet of the conference room.

"Understatement of the year." Laura nodded, her voice sounding about as tired as she felt.

"Any idea towards why?" Mattie questioned, with an intrigued look.

Laura looked to the door where, just a second ago, Carmilla was standing. While letting out her snarky and final reply, her face was contorting between several different emotions. One of them, in particularly, had stayed with Laura even after Carmilla stormed out.

Sorrow.

"None." Laura shook her head.

But she knew exactly why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sneaky little Laura, why won't you reveal your secrets? *winks*  
> I double dare you to find me now: l-elephant-blanc.tumblr.com


	3. We lost it to trying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing is hard, folks.  
> Chapter 3 is here and I would like to apologize for two things:  
> 1) The delay (college is back :')) aaaaaand 2) Me being a dramatic hoe when it comes to writing  
> Hope you guys enjoy anyway!

Carmilla held the glass of scotch as if it were a lifeline.  

Drinking probably wasn’t the best idea for her - the more she drank, the more she dwelled; the more she dwelled, the more she brooded and the more she brooded the more everything seemed irrevocably doomed – but she figured she was going to need a few drinks for whatever was coming next.

It was the Tuesday after that disastrous reunion on Belmonde Publishing Co. and as if feeling like an imbecile for letting her emotions so explosively get the best of her wasn’t enough, her afternoon began with a text from an unknown number requesting an evening meeting on a shady bar downtown.

Carmilla didn’t need to be a genius to figure it out who was sending the text so - as her mood got absolutely ruined for the rest of the day and she had to purposely avoid Ell to thus avoid difficult questions – she simply had replied the dry text with an equally dry confirmation.  

Calling that bar a shithole would probably be the biggest compliment it ever got, but if the lack of appeal was the reason for the lack of costumers that night, Carmilla was thankful for the choice.

As long as she kept ignoring the questionable hygiene of the stools and the counter, she was glad to have some time alone in order to brood – or as she liked to call: contemplate with advanced pessimism – some more.

The barman of the place – a pale, slim and bearded dude wearing a stained white t-shirt – didn’t say a word to her since she got there and she was about to take a sip of her second glass of scotch when, in the corner of her eye, she saw someone hopping on the stool on her left.

“Can I get what she is having?” Laura waved to the silent barman as soon as she got settled in her sit.

Carmilla quietly observed, her jaw clenched, as another glass was placed and filled with the brown liquid.

Out of her professional clothes – she came to the bar dressed in tight jeans and a blue button-up – Laura look much younger and much more vulnerable even. Her golden hair was a little disheveled and the absence of make-up made the bag under her eyes obvious. She seemed drained and Carmilla had to bite back the urge to inform her she looked like shit.

“Thanks.” Laura said, not getting a reply as the barman walked away.

She took a deep breath, before swallowing all the scotch in one fluid movement and placing the glass back in the counter.

Carmilla stared at her own drink and took a small, tentative sip. Her initial plan was to let Laura do all the talking – since she was the one who requested the encounter – but her snarky nature was usually stronger than her rational mind and she already had spent too much energy not commenting on Laura’s fatigued appearance.

“Are we still pretending not to know each other, _Ms. Hollis_?” She asked, a perverse emphasis on Laura’s last name.

Laura circled the edge of her empty glass with her fingers. She thought the alcohol would help with her nervousness, but yet again she was wrong. Neither of them had even looked at the other yet and she tried her hardest to imagine a scenario where this conversation could end well.

She couldn’t honestly find any, but despite that, she promised herself she would deal with that “situation” – for the good of her job – no matter how traumatic “dealing” could be. She was an adult and it was time to do some “adulting".

She pushed her glass away and in a surge of courage, finally turned her head to look at Carmilla.

She was met with a rather familiar sight that made her stomach sunk even further and her newly found courage evaporate: a sharp sculptured jawline, the same charcoal curls, red lipstick and a fashion sense primarily based on black leather. Carmilla hadn’t changed much and this realization – along with the sudden flood of memories that flashed through Laura’s brain – made nothing easier.

_The sunshine reflecting on her face while she smiled with her eyes closed… She kissing Laura’s knuckles under the moonlight… Waltzing with her in Laura’s old bedroom… Hugging her after a long day separated… Getting intoxicated by her scent that always made Laura feel like she was home… Placing light, reverential kisses on her pale collarbones… Loving her… Leaving her... Breaking her heart._

“I suppose there’s no point now.” Laura admitted, with a heavy and tired sigh.

* * *

 

**_November 1 st, 8 years ago_ **

To say Carmilla was nervous would be an understatement.

She was restless, edgy, apprehensive, tense… Hysterical even.

But internally, of course.  

It was the cold afternoon post Halloween and on the night before many strange, unusual things had happened: a) Carmilla had punched a guy, possibly broke his nose; b) Carmilla had, for the very first time, admitted to herself her own feelings about her childhood best friend; c) She and Laura left the party holding hands; d) Laura invited her to stay over the night – which made her think they would talk about everything that happened, but no; e) as soon as they got into bed, Laura snuggled her and contently fell asleep in her arms.

Needless to say Carmilla could barely breathe when Laura suddenly pulled their bodies flushed together in the dark, but Cupcake was soon relaxed and asleep, so Carmilla just tried to enjoy the moment and not think too much about what it meant in the grand scheme of things.

They could talk in the morning, she thought.

But she was so, so wrong.

Laura had woken up as her usual perky self, devouring cookies faster than Carmilla could say “Goethe” and insisting they should go for a walk in the park before it got too cold for such activity to be considered pleasant.

Apparently – Carmilla bitterly assumed – there was nothing to talk about.

Except that as soon as they were out of the house, Laura got quiet. And Laura never, ever got quiet unless she was overthinking something in that beautiful and dangerously fast little brain of hers.

So instead of being bitter, Carmilla got nervous - like really nervous. Because she knew that Laura would eventually share the byproduct of her overthinking and, either or not the verdict would be good for Carmilla’s fragile and recently accepted feelings, was a large source of agitation for her.

They were sitting in a bench, freezing their asses out for like half an hour or so, and Carmilla just couldn’t dare to break the contemplative silence Laura seemed to be on.

Eventually, of course, her melodramatic nature got the best of her and she sighed, closing her eyes and turning her head to the sky.

That seemed to bring Laura back to earth.  

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” Laura said.

Her voice was small and insecure, and it took every bit of Carmilla’s willpower in order to prevent her from opening her eyes and finding way of comforting the other girl immediately.

“Nothing to be sorry about… Nothing happened.” Carmilla answered, trying her hardest to keep her bitterness out of her words.

It wasn’t working very well, but at least she was trying. Right?

“Carmilla…” Laura pleaded after a while, her voice suddenly urgent “Just look at me… Please?”

Carmilla sighed again, snapping her eyes open and sitting straight on the bench.

“Yes?” She said, a little too sarcastically, meeting Laura’s gaze.

Laura stared back at her with an anxious expression, biting her lips.

“I just…”

“This isn’t something we have to talk about.” Carmilla cut her short, regretting ever wanting to discuss anything in the first place.

What was she thinking? Running away from the scene suddenly seemed much more appealing than whatever deep conversation about feelings she and Laura were about to have.

“I think… Maybe it is…” Laura replied, her nose wrinkled and her eyebrows furrowed.

Carmilla just waited, mentally bracing herself.

“Look…” Laura took a deep breath, sinking a little further into her sit but keeping her eyes on Carmilla. “What I did… Was a stupid, poorly thought thing, but I… I needed to know.”

“Needed to know what?” Carmilla shrugged, obviously not following.

“I needed to know…” Laura seemed to grew smaller with every word. “If I could be with someone else…”

Carmilla blinked in utter confusion.

That was not what she expected at all.

She was ready to listen to a very heterosexual discourse from Laura about how that boy from yesterday was a total douche but also very hot and how hard it was to meet nice boys or something. But clearly that wasn’t the general direction of Laura’s speech.

To be honest, Carmilla wasn’t very sure of what was the general direction of Laura’s speech. Her mind was coming up with various conclusions – some very bad and some too good to be true – about what precisely Laura was talking about and every new possibility just made her grew more nervous by the second.

“And what’s that supposed to mean exactly?” She asked.

She could feel her heart beating uneven inside her chest now.

“I need to know if I could be with someone else, but… I don’t think I can.” Laura closed her eyes and breathed deeply again. “I don’t think I can be with anyone else but you.”

And there it was.

For a moment, Carmilla actually considered the possibility she would explode, right there and right then.

She was hyper aware of her surroundings – the gelid wind blowing in her face, the cold wood she was sitting on, the smell of winter getting a hold of the air – but at the same time the only thing she could see and feel was the girl sitting in front of her, with her eyes closed and a terrified expression in her face.

That was real. That was actually real. Laura actually said those words.

Among all the improbable things Carmilla thought she would have to discuss that morning – after punching a guy for Laura and then cuddling with her the whole night – she never actually considered she would get a love confession.  

She knew she had those feelings for Laura for a long time now. All those lingering touches; those countless hours staring at her best friend without having a valid reason; the way she found Laura’s dorkiness endearing rather than utterly annoying; those times where she caught herself smiling to Laura in awe, because her heart was beating in a strange rhythm and all she could think about was how much she cherished – how much she cared and loved – that girl; how everything related to Laura and done with Laura felt different for Carmilla and how she was willing to do everything for her without even thinking too much about it… All that meant something. Something that Carmilla pushed back into the farthest corner of her mind until the night before. Something equally parts of beautiful and terrifying and even after Carmilla managed to admit that something to herself, she never assumed Laura could possibly feel the same way.

But it seemed that the night before brought an epiphany for Laura as well and Carmilla was so stunned by that possibility – and the words she just heard – that her brain was on the verge of an overdrive.

It took her a few seconds to snap out of her trance, but after a while she let out the breath she didn’t know she was holding and opened a slow, involuntary, almost goofy smile.

“You don’t have to…” Carmilla whispered, finding the courage to brush a strand of hair away from Laura’s face very gently. “Be with someone else, I mean.”

First, there was relief: Laura’s features relaxed completely, as her brain processed Carmilla’s answer. Then, there was a smile: a sweet, satisfied and bright smile on Laura’s face and the beat that Carmilla’s heart skipped then made her wonder how she could’ve pretended for so long she wasn’t in love with that ridiculously beautiful girl. And finally, there were eyes opening: Laura’s honey brown eyes met Carmilla’s dark chocolate ones and everything seemed different, slow and perfect, all of the sudden.

“Wow.” Laura said, after of moment of silent mutual staring.

Her somewhat transfixed expression made Carmilla chuckle – this girl, oh god, this girl would be the death of her – and without thinking too much she leaned forward and rested her forehead on Laura’s, her eyes closing with contentment.

Even then, she could still feel Laura’s smile.

“So I guess we like each other, huh?”

Carmilla laughed again.

“I guess we do.”

She couldn’t remember being that happy before.

* * *

**_Present_ **

“It was a pretty dick move.” Carmilla stated coldly.

She could feel Laura eyes on her – scanning, searching, recognizing – but she had no desire to reciprocate Laura’s gaze, so instead she kept her eyes on the peeled red wall of the bar while she finished her second scotch with one last big sip.

“I’m sorry…” Laura sighed apologetically. “I just thought… I just thought it would be easier to remain professional if we pretend that…” Her eyes left Carmilla’s figure as she made vague and confused gestures with her hand. “I mean, you know it’s my fault and we didn’t exactly end on a good note so I thought-…”

“You mean we didn’t end in any note whatsoever?” Carmilla interrupted her, she finally turned her head to look at Laura and her eyes glistened with the same poorly concealed rage from the meeting on the day before. “Because you just left with no explanation?”

Laura’s face contorted between sadness, shame and just a hint of shock.

She thought she was ready for that conversation, but having Carmilla so openly throwing those facts around wasn’t nearly as manageable as she thought it would be.

Carmilla was clearly still hurt and, for some reason Laura rather not think about, seeing Carmilla’s pain hurt her too, even after all those years.

“Carmilla…” Laura said, like a whispered plea, looking for the right words despite feeling like all of them were wrong somehow. “I-…”

But Carmilla seemed done with it, even though, technically, the conversation had only just begun.

“You know what?” Carmilla cut her again, shaking her head. “For years after you left I kept wondering what the hell happened. I was such an idiot then… “A bitter smile twisted her face and she narrowed her eyes at Laura. “You just disappeared. And every day, for years, I kept asking myself the ‘whats’ … What did I miss? What did I fail to see? What did I do wrong?”

“Carmilla, that’s not-…” Laura took a deep breath. “You didn’t-…”

“I had to find out you went to college through your Facebook…” Carmilla continued, her smile died but her eyes remained on Laura. “You went to college. In Austria… In the other side of the goddamn planet. And I had to deal with everyone around me asking why my best friend, since I was 5 years old, left with no word to anyone… When I didn’t even know that answer to that myself.”

Laura opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.

She wanted to run away – to avoid Carmilla’s piercing gaze, to never have to look at the pain she caused again – but at the same time she knew she couldn’t. That conversation was her idea and she owed Carmilla at least that.

“And now… Seeing you here. I just realized I don’t care anymore. I don’t give a damn if you have an explanation or not. What you did… Leaving after our graduation, leaving right after us-…” Carmilla stopped for a moment, shaking her head and looking up to the ceiling as she picked her next words, her hands trembling and the slightest hint of tears in her eyes when she looked at Laura again. “You were a selfish, callow girl… And I was the fool who trusted you.”

Carmilla’s words felt like a slap across the face.

For a few seconds, everything seemed to slow down for Laura.

Carmilla was right, of course. She was selfish then and she continued to be selfish now, expecting that a conversation could solve everything and Carmilla would just swallow whatever hard feelings she had about Laura in the name of professionalism. It was stupid and naïve and somewhat cruel, because she not once considered the depth of Carmilla’s sorrow. She just assumed the years that had gone by would make it easier, softer, maybe even forgettable… But she was so wrong.

She knew Carmilla for 18 years. A barely hurt Carmilla would pretend everything was fine, hide her pain behind heavy sarcasm, possibly flee the scene at the first chance. But a truly hurt Carmilla… A truly hurt Carmilla was the scariest and most heart breaking thing ever, because a truly hurt Carmilla would speak the true. A truly hurt Carmilla would let out her sorrows, even if it made her vulnerable, just like Carmilla had done a few seconds ago.

 An uninvited tear ran down Laura’s cheek quietly.

“I’m sorry.” She whispered, defeated, knowing perfectly well that Carmilla deserved much better than that.

“That’s it?” Carmilla stared at her in disbelief. “You are sorry? No ‘you don’t understand, Carmilla’?” She mimicked Laura with a high pitched annoying voice. “No good reason for all of that? No grand explanation about your dramatic fleeing from town 8 years ago? Is that all you got?”

“I was young.” Laura replied, in another whisper, holding her hands together in her lap to stop her from shaking. “Sometimes a mistake is just a mistake…”

Carmilla shook her head, incredulously, her bitter smile back with a touch of offended. She climbed out of the stool, reached for the back pocket of her leather pants and placed two bills on the counter.

Everything about that night turned surreal and a bit melodramatic. She could stay there and argue for hours about how she didn’t believe Laura’s “a mistake was just a mistake” but she was tired. Tired of knowing there was a reason behind Laura’s mysterious take-off and even more tired of never figuring it out what the reason was. She just wanted to go home. Go home to Ell, to her bed, to peaceful dreams about shapes… Anything that Laura hadn’t tainted yet.

“You were always a terrible liar.” Carmilla said in a monotonous tone, just before walking away.

Laura sighed, as she heard the doors of the bar opening and closing again. She managed to make a bad situation even worse – which, at this point of her life, she was starting to think it was some kind of special talent. She closed her eyes and hide her face on her hands, exasperated.

Carmilla couldn’t be easily fooled by apologies and lame excuses about age… Of course Laura had an explanation.

Things like that always had an explanation…

Just not one Laura was willing to revisit so soon.

* * *

_**November 1 st, 8 years ago** _

Carmilla was sure nothing in the world could ever feel as good as the sensation of Laura’s breath tickling her neck.

With her eyes closed, she had a permanent contented smile on her face as she laid in bed snuggling with Laura.

God, it was probably the best day of her life.

After that moment in the park, everything was a bliss and they spent the rest of the day stealing soft touches and secret smiles.

Sometimes Laura would grab Carmilla’s hand and hold it for a while, for no reason in particular. Carmilla would then pretend that was a normal occurrence as Laura pretended she couldn’t see Carmilla smiling like a fool in the corner of her eye.

When evening fell, it was clear Carmilla wasn’t going home (again) and Laura suggested a movie. When Carmilla settled in Laura’s bed with a smile though, Laura immediately forgot about her own suggestion and climbed on the bed to cuddle Carmilla, circling Carmilla’s waist and hiding her face on the crook of Carmilla’s neck, as if they did that a million times before.

They stayed like that for several minutes, in a comfortable silence and Carmilla was almost drifting to a pleasant and warm sleep when Laura whispered:

“Aren’t you mad we both got trapped in the ‘falling for your best friend’ cliché? I know you hate clichés…”

Carmilla chuckled lightly.

“Yeah, such a cliché… I oughta know better.” She whispered in a playful voice.

 “Gee, thanks.” Laura huffed, seeing a little bit offended but not moving an inch away from Carmilla.

Carmilla laughed again, honestly and carefree, the type of laugh only Laura seemed able to prompt.

“I suppose some clichés are not so bad…” She whispered finally, her voice sleepy as she squeezed Laura tighter against herself.

“Mmmmnh…” Laura nodded, satisfied, relaxing completely on Carmilla's embrace. “Goodnight, Carm.”

“Goodnight, Laura.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little bit of fluff, a little bit of angst...  
> Speak your mind here or come and find me on my usual spot: l-elephant-blanc.tumblr.com


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